Echoes of The Heart

My father died at the age of 53 of a massive heart attack.  This was my first fixed point in time. I came home and my mother was crying in the living room of our modest apartment. At 13 I had no idea what was about to come. Adults don't die in the early 50s or 40s that sort of realistic view of the world doesn't hit a 13 year old right away. This changed our lives forever my family wasn't in the best terms at that point in time. Two of my brothers decided to live with my father as I stayed back. Over the years this brought a division within our family. It was like my brothers went to the fight with General Lee and join the Confederate Army and I said fuck them "the Union forever death to the traitors". The decision was more visceral than family feelings, this was about ideologies of who was the better parent. Needless to say it took about 20 years for my brothers and I to make peace. At the end none of us were right and we wasted so much time on what was and not on what should be.

Now at 38 I'm married. I like to think I'm a good husband but i tend to be guarded with my feelings.  That's why I started this memoir of sorts. Something to leave behind.  So I'm starting to break out of that 13 year old mindset and taking an active role in my health. I don't know what really is wrong with my heart and pulmonary system. Blood pressures rises and drops and pulse stays high. Could be that Im a borderline alcoholic?  or that i eat like Roman senator after an orgy?  No idea. So i was ordered to take an 3D EKG sort of thing among many other things. It was  early morning yesterday and it was just me and the tech. The sounds of what I think was a rapid and non rhythmic heart beat haunted me a little. What if I die and my spouse suffers for another 20 years just like my brothers did? What if my dad had taken one of these things. Could he have been saved? I don't know. Again, fixed points.  Is it too crazy to think that whatever remains of my father whether is a ghost or a part of him inside me is doing this on purpose? To save my life by making me go through the motions? I like to think that maybe is that.  

Dad you left so long ago. I'm as old as you were when you had me.  Watch over me.  I need to be around a bit longer for my spouse.  

Yours Truly,

Blue Rage 3.22.18